(As dictated to Management.)

Dear Santa,

I would like:

• a present (pink one)
• pink choo-choo train
• movies (Max & Ruby, Dora the Explorer)
• nail polish (blue, pink, green)
• a bunny shoe (pink one)

That’s plenty.

Love,

K.Lo

Some call them “memes,” but our office knows better. We also know that Facebook is a notorious void of time-waste; however, yesterday, our company required a little mindless fun to break up the afternoon. In case you missed it, here is what our employees were working on so diligently at their desks.

Getting to Know You: K.Lo

1. What time did you get up this morning? crack of dawn!
2. How do you like your steak? I don't like steak.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I haven't been yet, but I'm watching Cinderella right now!
4. What is your favorite TV show? Max & Ruby!
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Cinderella's castle
6. What did you have for breakfast? pop tarts and raisins
7. What is your favorite cuisine? pasta and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
8. What foods do you dislike? too many to list at this time
9. Favorite Place to Eat? Donald's.
10. Favorite dressing? I do not like salad or dressing.
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? I drive mommy's car... it's blue.
12. What are your favorite clothes? dresses!
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Cinderella's castle.
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Can I have some juice please?
15. Where would you want to retire? what's that. why?
16. Favorite time of day? morning!
17. Where were you born? Wilmington, NC
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? football, sometimes
19. Who do you think will not tag you back? umm... I don't know!
20. Person you expect to tag you back first? umm... I don't know!
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? ummm... I don't know!
22. Bird watcher? Birdies! I like birdies.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? morning
24. Do you have any pets? I have two doggies, named Bailey and Bender
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I got a Dora purse and it has makeup in it.
26. What did you want to be when you were little? I'm a big girl.
27. What is your best childhood memory? I went to the farmer's market. And I'm going to be a butterfuly for Halloween.
28. Are you a cat or dog person? Both.
29. Are you married? Mommy got married. I'm not married.
30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes, and I'll remind you to buckle me in if you try to forget.
31. Been in a car accident? No.
32. Any pet peeves? When my brother takes my toes and when my mommy says no.
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? cheese
34. Favorite Flower? the ones in the garden
35. Favorite ice cream? strawberry?
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Donald's.
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? ummm...
38. From whom did you get your last email? Umm...
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Target!
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? yes
41. Like your job? yes
42. Favorite veggie? corn on the cob
43. What was your favorite vacation? the lake! to see Dellaina
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Mommy and Daddy and N.Lo.
45. What are you listening to right now? Cinderella and N.Lo talking on the phone.
46. What is your favorite color? pink.
47. How many tattoos do you have? I have two Curious George tattoos but they are going away.
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? ummm... I don't know!
49. What time did you finish this quiz? 2:04
50. Coffee Drinker? I don't like coffee, it's for grown-ups.

*****

Getting to Know You: N.Lo

1. What time did you get up this morning? 10:45. I slept for 15 hours last night. It felt good.
2. How do you like your steak? In my mouth.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Mommy says I might see a free movie with her soon. I've never seen one in the theater.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Blue's Clues, Elmo. Max & Ruby!
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Outside, maybe in the sandbox.
6. What did you have for breakfast? Pop-tart, peaches, apple.
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Whatever is on the plate. Or someone else's plate
8. What foods do you dislike? Anything you try to make me eat. Anything K.Lo doesn't like. Except steak. And eggplant parm.
9. Favorite Place to Eat? I like to sit on Mommy's lap. Or Daddy's.
10. Favorite dressing? Not a salad man just yet.
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? I want to climb up in my car seat by myself.
12. What are your favorite clothes? Shoes.
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Preschool, maybe.
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Drink! drink, please.
15. Where would you want to retire? In my crib.
16. Favorite time of day? Meals. And snacks.
17. Where were you born? Wilmington, NC
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? football
19. Who do you think will not tag you back? I don't know.
20. Person you expect to tag you back first? Don't know.
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Elmo.
22. Bird watcher? Birdies! I chase them.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Yes.
24. Do you have any pets? Bailey, Bender, fishies.
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I went down the slide today.
26. What did you want to be when you were little? Taller.
27. What is your best childhood memory? Blankie.
28. Are you a cat or dog person? Yes.
29. Are you married? No.
30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes.
31. Been in a car accident? No.
32. Any pet peeves? Grown-ups trying to help me with things I can do for myself. And then when I can't do them myself.
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Cheese.
34. Favorite Flower? Flowers! I want to pick one.
35. Favorite ice cream? It's cold! Still getting used to it.
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? McDonald's.
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I can't reach the pedals yet... almost in the Barbie Jeep.
38. From whom did you get your last email? I don't know.
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Costco!
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Yes.
41. Like your job? Yes.
42. Favorite veggie? cucumbers.
43. What was your favorite vacation? Water! (Lake.)
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Mommy, Daddy, K.Lo.
45. What are you listening to right now? Ocean waves on the noise machine.
46. What is your favorite color? Red.
47. How many tattoos do you have? None yet.
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? I don't know.
49. What time did you finish this quiz? 8:55 pm
50. Coffee Drinker? Coffee is hot.

Attn. Managers:

When packing the company car for a long road trip home, be smart. Take a little extra time and compile a good bag of toys to place between the car seats, and do not, under any circumstances, place the following items in the reach of your smallest employee: baby wipes, tissues, containers holding about a thousand and six tiny hair bands and clips, and/or any sort of paper, like coupons from the Sunday news. Mark my words, it will end badly. Especially if you add partially stale Krispy Kreme donuts into the mix.

Here are the hair bands I had no idea N.Lo even had his hands on until 20 minutes into the trip, when K.Lo suddenly had to go potty very badly. I opened the car door to get him out, and they.were.everywhere. Inside and outside of the car. Lots of fun to clean up while corralling employees in front of the gas station.

Later, N.Lo discovering the Sunday paper coupons. I guess that’s what he thinks about my thriftiness!

And then… the granola box. It all looks very innocent, but do you want to know what he is cramming in there? The Krispy Kreme donut.

You might suggest that N.Lo, at the very least was keeping himself entertained during the car ride, but I felt like he was never really quite satisfied. And indeed, once he ran out of coupons, donuts, cardboard boxes, baby wipes, tissues, chicken nuggets and French fries (the latter 4 not pictured), he broke down.

Finally, he found what I hoped he would get his hands on before all the other stuff—his blankie. And shortly thereafter fell asleep. With twenty minutes in the trip left to go.

Also to pack for next time: Your own blankie, to cope with such stressful situations.

MEMO

To: All Lo.Co. Staff

From: Management

Re: Heads Up

Attention all employees,

Please be advised that when N.Lo is *done* with an activity, he will throw the closest available object, and its impact may hurt.

Throwing seems to be N.Lo’s personal point of punctuation in expressing his doneness. Whether he is fully or partially dissatisfied with the activity in question, or simply ready to move on, he will literally throw down.  There is almost, dare I suggest it, an undercurrent of Attitude in this normally laid-back employee’s behavior.

Although admonished for each incidence of throwing, N.Lo may or may not yet be aware that he is in violation of the Employee Code of Conduct (ECC). So, you might want to wear shoes. Steel-toed boots? And maybe a rain jacket. Or a helmet. Face mask? Or just duck and run. Those sippy cups, if still containing liquid, are heavy. The food can be sloppy. And let’s not even get started on some of the toys that have been launched from those little hands of fury. N.Lo is an Equal Opportunity Thrower; he does not discriminate.

Good luck to you,

The Manager

MEMO

TO: N.LO

FROM: THE MANAGER

RE: TRAINING MANUALS

Please be advised that training manuals are to be used for the following workplace activities:

*Reading

*Studying diagrams

*Looking busy.

They are not to be:

*Ripped

*Flung

*Dipped repeatedly in the Canine Staff’s water bowl until they are pulp.

Any of the latter actions will be considered a violation of the Employee Code of Conduct (ECC) here at our office, and appropriate disciplinary action will be administered. Management has their eyes on you, young man!

Sincerely,

The Manager

MEMO

TO: K.LO

FROM: MANAGEMENT

RE: LISTENING SKILLS

Dear K.Lo,

Please be advised that Management is employing a new training method when it comes to incessant repeated requests. Rather than respond “Yes/No” to said requests, or I-G-N-O-R-E you, Management will now advise you to listen to our response, ask if you heard and understand, and wait for an affirmative reply. Then, we will advise that you now can, actually, stop asking. We feel that this new method, while tedious (although no more tedious than so many other training procedures) will be effective in promoting better communication within our company, and will cut back on excessive whining, crying, pleading and tantrums. Maybe for you, too.

Sincerely,

The Manager

MEMO

TO: THE MANAGER

FROM: THE KITCHEN STAFF

RE: WE’VE TOLD YOU BEFORE.

Once again, after baths, Pasta Night is decidedly not the best idea. At least you remembered no sauce? We’re just glad clean-up isn’t our department. Good luck with that.

MEMO

TO: The Two-Year Employee

FROM: The Manager

RE: Investment

Please be advised that after this past Work Week or so, I am strongly considering investing in a pair of noise-canceling headphones, to be worn at such times of the day when you insist on repeating the following phrases in decidedly un-dulcet tones:

“Manager, Manager. Manager, Manager. Manager, Manager.”

“Let’s play. Come on. Now. LET’S PLAY, MANAGER.”

The kicker here is that the words, “Let’s play,” are customary heartstring-pullers. Guilt-trippers. Pity-petitioners. It’s a crafty move, I’ll grant you that, because the use of these touchy words make it difficult to complain without casting the employee as “neglected,” and The Manager as “witch.” You know what, though, darlin’? I do play with you. Lots and lots and lots. And I enjoy it, quite a bit. But I cannot and will not feel guilty for having to do other things sometimes. Things (like chores) that are also a mandatory part of my job description, and other things (like reading) that keep me sane.

The more you interrupt, the longer it will take me to finish my boring, non-employee-centered work. And the more you pester, the quicker my sanity will dissolve.

A different approach: I love that you want to play, I love the actual play, and I know that all too quickly there will come a day when you no longer want to play, with or without me. But you know what I also love? Seeing that sometimes, you are still able to entertain yourself. I love to see K.Lo imagine on her own, and babble, and run from this corner of the room to that, lost in the boundless fun of whatever she’s dreaming up. As your Manager, I’d like to see more of this self-directed work throughout your day, before it, too, comes to an all-too-early end.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

The Manager

MEMO

TO: The Manager

FROM: Self

RE: Things to Keep in Mind

NOTE 1

Perhaps you could do a better job? Increase patience levels, breathe more, delight in small moments, remember that nothing, including upsetting / disappointing / annoying / stupid phases, lasts forever.

NOTE 2

Remember that even though there’s always room for improvement, you are actually doing a pretty darn good job to begin with. That you are patient, and delighting in small moments, and remembering the bigger picture whenever humanly possible.

NOTE 3

Know/own your limits. In certain areas of Management, assistance will sometimes be necessary. Sometimes you’re not the most qualified person for parts of the job. And that, actually, is okay.

MEMO

TO: K.LO

FROM: MANAGEMENT

RE: USE OF THE EMPLOYEE REST ROOM

Please be advised that the following prospective reward has been purchased and placed in plain view, and yet way, way out of reach: 

A FAIRY PRINCESS CASTLE!

The item in question does—or will belong to you. Provided you begin using the potty for all functions and capacities outlined over the course of countless prior training sessions. Every step must be completed, and on a consistent basis. In turn, you shall then inherit your castle.

Until that point, it will live up high on The Manager’s shelf, still in the box, taunting—er, *encouraging* you toward your goal.

This is what we call a very large bribe, in the biz.

Good luck, kid! We can’t wait to see you claim your prize, and we’re behind you 100%.

Sincerely,

Management.

MEMO

TO: K.LO

FROM: THE MANAGER

RE: MANNER OF REQUESTS

Please be advised that it is not entirely necessary to speak to The Manager as though she is *slow.*

If, for instance, you request a cookie at 10 AM and I say “No, you may not have a cookie right now,” you need not stare me down and say, “I.want.a.cook-ie,” in the manner of a Manager speaking to a two-year employee.

Or, should I respond to your request for a Pull-Up with the question, “Do you need to use the Employee Rest Room?” it does not mean that I didn’t understand your request. Therefore, the added clarification of “Pull. Up,” coupled with a semi-incredulous look, is a bit much.

Hilarious, but a bit much.

Kindly,

The Manager

MEMO

TO: N.Lo

FROM: The Manager

RE: Your Mean Manager

I regret to inform you that the following intrigues are off-limits:

1. The Canine Staff water bowl.
2. Giant Canine Staff fur-balls on the floor.
3. The serrated scraping tool used to groom the Canine Staff.
4. Dirty glass jars from the recycle bin. (Or clean glass jars anywhere, for that matter.)
5. Assorted trash.
6. K.Lo’s *used* Pull-Up.
7. Bowl full of orange peels.
8. Puzzle pieces and Memory game cards.
9. Phone books.
10. The CEO’s new video game magazine.

Rest assured, N.Lo, there are many, many other interesting supplies in the office that you are allowed to get your little hands on. So buck up, little camper. Your Manager, however mean, even lets you eat dirt!

MEMO

TO: N.LO

FROM: THE MANAGER

RE: IMPROPER USE OF THE EMPLOYEE POOL

PRIORITY LEVEL: HIGH!

PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT EMPLOYEES WITH LESS THAN ONE YEAR OF EMPLOYMENT ARE NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TO FALL FACE FORWARD INTO THE SMALL EMPLOYEES’ POOL, SUBMERGING THEMSELVES COMPLETELY. IT TAKES YEARS OFF THE MANAGER’S LIFE. LUCKY FOR YOU YOU I HAVE CAT-LIKE REFLEXES. HOWEVER, SNATCHING AN EMPLOYEE OUT OF THE WATER BY HIS TINY ANKLE IS NOT MY IDEA OF A FUN TIME.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR MANDATORY COOPERATION.

Sincerely,

Your Manager, Now Several Years Closer to “Retirement”

MEMO

TO: N.Lo

FROM: K.Lo, as relayed to The Manager

RE: Stolen office supplies

N.Lo!

[Outraged cry.]

That’s MY GRAHAM CRACKER!

Sincerely,

K.Lo

MEMO

TO: K.Lo

FROM: Management

RE: The Night Shift. Again.

Please be advised that we no longer have any advice for you or us regarding miserable performances on the Night Shift. None.

At a minimum, we desire the following each shift:

1) Some level of productivity from all company members.

2) An acceptable comfort level for all company members, whether it be emotional comfort for the employee (we do not wish the employee to fear her workspace), or physical comfort for Management (sharing work stations=OUT).

As always, we will work with you to achieve this goals. But as far as how we will achieve these goals? Clueless. Winging it.

If you have any ideas, please grab the nearest crayon, scrawl them on some paper, and deposit them in the Suggestion Box.

Sincerely,

Management.

MEMO

TO: N.Lo
CC: K.Lo
FROM: The Manager
RE: Unauthorized Schedule Change

Please be advised that at the end of a long work week, when the CEO offers to supervise on the Morning Shift, allowing The Manager extended work on the Night Shift, it is not advisable to change your own schedule. If, on every other day of the work year, you clock out of the Night Shift between 6 and 7 AM, you should certainly do the same while the CEO is on special duty. Working late on the Night Shift until 8:30 AM? Not acceptable. Leaving the CEO with just one charming employee to supervise in The Manager's absence? Ironic, yes. But funny, no. And then to wake up in the best mood of your entire career, not even desiring an immediate trip to the cafeteria after a 13-hour shift! It's a disgrace.

I expect a better performance out of all my employees the next time, with your usual early appearance onto the Day Shift, and at least one or two Employee Code of Conduct violations.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Your Manager.

The Universe Speaks

Today at our office, among other incidents:
-K.Lo used a step stool in the cafeteria to retrieve the bottle brush that is used to clean N.Lo's bottles. Five quiet minutes later, I found her cleaning the toilet with it. To her credit, the bottle brush and the toilet brush do look very similar. But the CFO has already approved the purchase of a new bottle brush.

-K.Lo put a pillow over N.Lo's face, and then a pillow over Bender's face, laughing hysterically while I experienced minor heart failure.

-K.Lo once again recycled an important MEMO, rather than posting it at her work station. While jumping around like a little monkey, she fell right off the Conference Room chair and smack onto the floor. This time, the bruise was on her elbow instead of her face, but still.

And then:
-N.Lo called me, his Manager, by my name. "Ma-ma." Several times.

It was a more than redeeming career moment in an otherwise weary work day.

Absolutely Not

MEMO

TO: K.Lo
CC: The Manager
FROM: The Housekeeping Staff
RE: Tea Parties

Please be advised that while The Manager attends to paperwork, it is more than fine to work independently on your Tea Party projects. However, it is not fine to use real water without managerial supervision. And it is really, really not fine to obtain that water unassisted. Especially when the water isn't from the sink.

Special thanks, however, for not serving said "tea" to your coworker.

Disgustedly Yours,
The Housekeeping Staff

MEMO

To: All Lo. Co. Staff
From: Management
Re: K.Lo and the martial arts

Please be advised that our two-year employee has been training intensively at the Twoville Offices in the field of martial arts. All staff is to be on guard for K.Lo's flying, striking hands and feet, and aware that no subject is immune. Guard your desks, your office supplies, your own employee selves.

Also note that The Lo. Co. upholds a Zero Tolerance Policy in regards to Twoville Martial Arts. We pledge to fully undermine this subversive training effort by Twoville until it has been rendered useless. In the meantime, we request your patience and cooperation.

Sincerely,
The Manager.