Managers should not feel guilty for the following actions, in spite of employee protestations. Even if said employees sound as though Management is lighting their hair on fire.

1. Insisting on a Morning/Afternoon Break.

2. Shampooing employee hair once a week, minimum.

3. Banishing employees to cubicle for period of time to curb shouting. (Shouting may be employee’s, Management’s, or both.)

4. Brushing employee’s teeth.

5. Combing employee’s hair.

6. Dressing employee in complete, weather-appropriate uniform. Including but not limited to those foulest, most despised uniform articles of pants, shirts, shoes, and socks. And jackets. And clean diapers.

7. Instructing the Kitchen Staff to serve nutritious items, such as peas, at meals.

8. Sending employee to an outsourcer, such as preschool, on a regular basis.

9. Requiring employee assistance with Housekeeping Staff duties, particularly Night-Time Toy Cleanup.

10. Telling employee to HUSH FOR JUST A MINUTE if he or she should really damn HUSH FOR JUST A MINUTE.