I record these givens here not only for posterity, but in hopes that I will accept them as the givens they are, rather than attempting to fight them with annoyance and/or louder forms of resistance.

  • N.Lo will want to be picked up and carried when on a company excursion. If he does feel like walking, he will not hold the Manager’s hand in the parking lot and will charge forth, erasing years off the Manager’s life in the space of mere seconds.
  • N.Lo will petition to be picked up and carried at the office when the Manager’s arms are completely full, when the Kitchen Staff is preparing a meal (especially a hot one, or one whose preparation involves knives), or immediately after the CEO returns from the Other Office. When denied, he will throw a fit. And eventually, one or more members of Management will give in.
  • N.Lo will ask for help putting his shoes on, and then will snatch them away, saying he wants to put them on himself. Then he will not be able to put on said shoes. Then he will ask for help putting on the shoes. Then he will get mad that you are not letting him put on the shoes himself. When this scene occurs, the company will already be running late.
  • N.Lo will ask to open a snack that is melty or crushable, will not be able to open said snack, will ask for help opening the snack, and then will immediately snatch the snack back and attempt once again to open it, thereby melting and crushing it.
  • N.Lo will throw his food if dissatisfied in any way during a meal. Dissatisfaction may or may not be related to food.
  • N.Lo will also insist on carrying his bowl or plate full of food, and will either trip on his way to the table, or become dissatisfied in some way on his way to the table, inspiring him to drop said bowl or plate full of food.
  • Any dropped food will immediately be rendered inedible due to the dog hair that will inevitably stick to it.
  • The Canine Staff will hover around any and all food like vultures. They may even be so brazen as to eat said food off the coffee table (or even *gasp* the kitchen table) when Management is not looking. And if Management happens to miss the crime, there will be no way to prove it happened. Can only depend on employee testimony, if available.
  • A salesman, neighbor, or little twit asking for money in exchange for nothing will come to the door during Afternoon Break. Dogs will bark.
  • K.Lo will have a meltdown at some point throughout the day, or perhaps several points throughout the day. Always at the end of the day, prior to the Night Shift. Often before dinner. Occasionally right outside N.Lo’s door during Afternoon Break. It will usually manifest itself as a control issue, i.e. she has not gotten her way enough, and she will not be consoled about this injustice.
  • K.Lo will request Managerial assistance with tasks that any sane, able individual would attempt themselves, such as retrieving a drink that is literally two feet away. Or pulling up her sheets over her little body at night when she kicks them off and gets cold. For a brief period not too long ago, she asked for help eating her food. Management is still puzzling over this particular request, wondering how, and why.
  • K.Lo will come up with some great new pressing need that requires Managerial assistance, i.e. she really does need adult help, approximately every 120 seconds. All day. Every day. Sometimes at night. Will express said need in the manner of a broken record until the “off” button is pushed, or the need is met.
  • If reprimanded, K.Lo will melt down, and/or yell at Management for yelling at her.
  • If her coworker is reprimanded, K.Lo will melt down. And yell at Management for yelling at her coworker.
  • If the employees are working happily, any small disruption can and will disturb said contentment. That disruption can be as small as the Manager standing up from her chair and crossing the room to retrieve something.
  • If the refrigerator is opened, one or both employees will lobby for cheese. Employees do not have to be present in the kitchen; they can sense the refrigerator being opened from all far corners of the office. After the 3rd refrigerator-opening, requests for cheese will become unreasonable and excessive, but will not cease to occur.
  • Both employees will request to sit with (i.e. ON) Management at meals. Even and especially if the meal requires two hands and/or extra care, such as with hot soup.
  • These events can and will combine with unfortunate synergy.

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6 peanuts:
  1. yikes. um, i feel the pain even if they are givens.

  1. Beth says:

    Ha ha, love this post. My favorite one was

    If the employees are working happily, any small disruption can and will disturb said contentment. That disruption can be as small as the Manager standing up from her chair and crossing the room to retrieve something.


    Seriously, I have sat in the same chair/position, or refrained from using the bathroom, etc., on more than one occasion, so as not to disturb the relative peace at the time.

  1. pen says:

    Refrain from using the bathroom? Yup. So very sad, but true.

  1. Ruby says:

    'Some little twit asking for money in exchange for nothing' had me laughing out loud. EXACTLY.

    Also, I have considered putting a sign over the doorbell that reads 'IF YOU RING THIS DOORBELL BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 10 AM and 4 PM I WILL TELL YOU TO GO AWAY AND NEVER CONSIDER BUYING WHATEVER IN THE HELL IT IS THAT YOU ARE SELLING.' Do you think that would be too strong?

  1. Ashley says:

    May I suggest...
    Good luck!!!

  1. Andria says:

    ooh, I really like the 2nd suggestion from Ashley! If only the dogs could read a DO NOT BARK sign or the people walking by in the street could stop as well.