Today at the Outsourcer, K.Lo’s class was to give a performance with the rest of the school, called Elf on a Shelf. I’ve heard her practicing to herself for weeks now, a few different songs, including “We Are Santa’s Elves,” from Rudolph. We didn’t know how she’d react with all the people, figuring it would go one of two ways: Star Performer or Wall Flower. Sadly, the poor little K.Lo elf was overwhelmed by the entire affair and didn’t sing a single note. Instead, she sat in the teacher’s lap for the first song, until the tears began to pool onto her her paper elf collar. I knew the show was over, before it even began, and so whisked her back to our seats, where she said in a tiny voice, “I want to go bye-bye.” The teacher commented that two out of the three kids she thought would cry did; apparently Bug is lumped in with the Criers while at the Outsourcer. On the plus, when I dropped her off earlier that morning, she was so happy to be at preschool she could barely be bothered to say good-bye. I’d say that’s PROGRESS.

K.Lo is the little elf sitting down on the floor next to the teacher (in the red hat).

She really was not amused; maybe it was the outfit.

N.Lo briefly modeled the hat.

So sad!

Occasionally, the CEO and The Manager *might* use the two-year employee to deliver interdepartmental messages purely for their own entertainment. K.Lo, who doubles as the company parrot, is usually more than happy to be our medium. Some recent examples:

Message delivered to the CEO, from The Manager

[After solving a puzzle early on in Wheel of Fortune]: “Fancy Boy!”

Message delivered to The Manager, from the CEO

“Manager, you’re cruising.” [For a bruising.] She pointed at me and everything.

Backfired message

The CEO: Who do you love?

K.Lo: ME!

(Which isn’t necessarily bad, I suppose.)

We’ve also had several delivery failures over the past few days, as K.Lo has apparently forgotten how to address the CEO. His new name is “Mom-Daddy.” And N.Lo, for the longest time, has been “K.Lo’s sister.”

And then, my personal favorite: K.Lo, being a Highly Sensitive Employee (HSE), can often anticipate when Management is trying to divert the employee’s attention away from her goal, based on the most subtle of cues. And if she’s in a bad mood, the situation will escalate, however light Management’s tone. In fact, the lighter the tone, the more ornery K.Lo tends to become. For instance, at the end of a recent l o n g workday, I said to K.Lo, “Now K.Lo, if you would simply consult your Employee Handbook, you would find…”

And in return, I got, “NO. I DON’T WANT THE HANDBOOK.”

That’s verbatim, ladies and gentlemen. Communication with a two-year employee can be truly delightful.