When serving up meals in the cafeteria, where the desired results are that the employee actually eats said meal, the Kitchen Staff has learned it is best to employ one of the following methods.

1) Place food on table and walk away. Do not, unless the employee is in a super-good mood, offer choices, even if it's only two. The employee tends to have her own ideas about what would be a good thing to eat, and they usually do not correspond to the proper shift. For example, K.Lo believes that employees should eat cookies for breakfast and lollipops for dinner. So naive, young employees. The proper response to this outlandish suggestion is, by the way, "When you go off to college, you may have have cookies for breakfast and lollipops for dinner. Until then, while you're still employed at my company..."

Offering choices can be useful if it is an extremely simple one, proposed with all cabinet and refrigerator doors completely closed, so the employee's eyes and hands and whims do not wander. Cheese goldfish or pretzel goldfish is one such example.

2) Bring said food to your next company picnic. When eating away from the office (with no other options on hand), any food contained in that picnic basket suddenly seems magical and delicious. K.Lo never ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at home, viewing both the peanut butter and jelly as bread contaminants. But served out of doors and on a company excursion, the sandwich was suddenly a fantastic treat.

3) Present the employee a plate with very little or nothing on it. Then, sit down with your plate, filled to the brim with delicious, nutritious foods that the employee would otherwise not touch with a ten-foot pole, such as green beans, potato salad, and pork chops. Begin eating without meal-related comment, except the occasional food name-drop: "Boy, these green beans sure are tasty!" Continue conversation with the staff. The employee will, even if it is against everything they stand for, inevitably take the bait. First she will peer over at your plate, checking out the goods. Then she will point at your plate and mutter a little bit, looking back at her own, sadly empty plate.
Ultimately, the request: "I want some... green beans!"
To which you will respond, "You want green beans? Some of my green beans? I don't know..."
And the employee will say, "I want green beans!"
And you will ask, "What do you say?"
The employee: "Say please!"
With flourish, you place a few green beans on her plate.
"Thank you!" says the employee, smiling widely and digging in.
And, success! The employee eats actual food for dinner, food that happens to be nutritious, and she asked for it politely. The whole company wins!

*Bonus Trick of the Trade: Popsicles can be one such food item that the employee brazenly requests at all hours of the work day. Trump her craftiness by buying a set of popsicle molds and filling them with fruit juice. Our company enjoys limeade for popsicles. The Kitchen Staff can not only offer these popsicles in good conscience at any time, but suggest that the employee is receiving a special treat, and coming out on top in her battle with Management.