K.Lo: “YOU DON’T HAVE TO REPEAT IT A HUNDRED TIMES!” Hmm.

N.Lo: “Ugggggh.” [General grunt of frustration, mimicking coworker and possibly Management.]

N.Lo: “I don’t LIKE my blankies.” Said after denied the opportunity to greet K.Lo at the Outsourcer as planned. He likes to go down the stairs to the playground and find her. She saw us first, instead. Sadness.

After N.Lo’s first official use of the Employee Rest Room last week (no activity since), he received a sticker. So, K.Lo naturally wanted stickers again as well. Management tried to convince her it was N.Lo’s time now, and as a result, we’re back to more frequent accidents. Management kindly requests that you shoot them, now, please. We started fresh with two new potty charts, one for each employee. N.Lo is interested in the idea of stickers and special treats, but not really the potty, so much. K.Lo is happily back to getting her stickers.

Ice cream is a current office favorite.

Occasionally, the employees will try cafeteria foods they hadn’t previously tried … pudding, cereal with milk, toast with peanut butter (and raisins on top?) … K.Lo historically does not love sauces, dips, spreads, mixtures, etc., and N.Lo follows suit. So the expanded repertoire is nice.

And N.Lo’s office supply of choice has been the Lite Brite. Interestingly, he can actually pierce through the black paper, which K.Lo never mastered – and I note that because it’s not easy for grown-up hands, much less the hands of small employees.

Both employees refer to the black paper as “the mat,” which is from Dora the Explorer. Except it’s really “the map,” on the show. It’s a trickle-down translation, stemming from K.Lo’s pretending to search for things using “the mat.”

All photo series from the past few days, of course, must be credited to our visitor, the Company Inspector. It’s fun to get an outside point of view. Here we are in the cafeteria, over a meal of noodles and eggplant parm.

With the help of the Inspector and N.Lo, the Kitchen Staff seeks low-cost, better quality items to serve up in the Cafeteria.

As N.Lo develops in his career, it’s interesting for the staff to note similarities and differences between our employees. Of particular similarity is an eclectic palette. Overall, N.Lo is more open and accepting of cafeteria offerings than his coworker, but mainly prefers an exact replica of his coworker’s meal (if not the actual meal itself). This preference can lead us down an interesting path at times, and the Kitchen Staff would like to note, mainly for posterity, some of the more unusual items favored (and shunned) by our Lo.Co. workers:

• shrimp
• dill pickles
• hard-boiled eggs, but the whites only
• deli meat rolled up, no bread
• PB&J sandwiches, but with butter instead of peanut butter—and no crusts
• unmixed snacks, everything separate, i.e. Cheerios and raisins each need to be served in their own respective bowls, never touching
• no “liquid”-type foods, i.e. soups, oatmeal, cereal with milk, applesauce, things like that—N.Lo might try them, maybe

Very fortunately, both employees do enjoy their fruits and veggies! Even if that list is more limited for one employee…

From the desk of… N.Lo?!

I swear I have heard him say the following:

While pointing very deliberately to an item, usually something he wants to eat: “I want that.”

Also: “I like that.”

While wriggling out of your arms: “Down!”

When handed something—again, usually in the cafeteria: “Thank you.”

Randomly: “Starbucks.”

Also: “Hot dog!”

Pointing to the bag of oranges: “OR-an.” (I didn’t prompt him on that one, either—shocked me.)

“Pizza.”

He doesn’t generally babble a whole lot, and rarely speaks on command. But most of these phrases have been uttered on more than one occasion, so I’m fairly certain they’re for real? Regardless, I’m noticing quite a trend in much of this new vocabulary: food!

I bet your company’s Christmas tree doesn’t have a fettuccini noodle base, snap pea branches and a little bit of baked fish star on top. Or a coaster for a tree skirt. Ours does, and I know you are pea-green with envy.

K.Lo is headed either for a stint on “Top Chef,” or art school. She did work very diligently on the construction of her tree, even if all she ate were the peas, without the pods.

This week, the cafeteria served up its usual fare of healthy vegetables, dairy products, and way too many noodles. What did N.Lo choose to eat? Some, but not much, of what was put in front of him at the table. Rumors have been circulating amongst the staff about the real source of N.Lo’s recent daily nutrition. He’s eaten:

crayons (still—the boy will not be stopped)

Play-Doh

Eukanuba dog food (with a BIG smile on his face)

magazines

the mail

whatever’s on K.Lo’s plate

N.Lo’s lack of flavor discernment has clearly evolved into an affinity for art supplies, paper products, and food belonging to other staff members, regardless of whether those staff are human. Management has chosen mainly to overlook this *phase,* striving mainly to keep the kid from eating anything alive or poison, and hopes he’ll eventually make his way back around again to the good stuff. The palatable stuff. Because dog food and paper—ew.

Since his Date of Hire Anniversary, a mere 4 days ago, N.Lo has demonstrated markedly different work habits. So much so that it’s like we’ve got a whole new employee on our hands.

Some notes for N.Lo’s file:

• Will now, finally, drink from a sippy cup. Granted, there is only one sippy cup in our vast and varied collection that he will drink from without creating a holy mess, but as advised by our Company Doctor, sippy cup drinkage means no more bottles. Ever. Which, incidentally, the Housekeeping Staff couldn’t be more pleased about. The staff claims they were not only a nuisance to clean, but they took up quite a bit of space, and couldn’t wait to get those suckers out of there.
• Now sits at the cafeteria table with the rest of the cool kids. After staging a weeklong revolt while sitting in his high chair, it occurred to The Manager that he might be ready for the booster seat. Which meant K.Lo would have to give up her spot—and she did, without mention or complaint. Very unlike K.Lo not to at least talk about it all week along. I think she smiled once, the first time she noticed N.Lo was now at the table with her. The Housekeeping Staff is also eternally grateful that the high chair is now out of the picture, citing similar grievances as the bottles, relating to clean-up. (Management is beginning to wonder if the HS is lazy?)
• Is quite a trip. Now that he’s in the thick of the action at the kitchen table, N.Lo is a key player in conversation and joking amongst the staff.
• Since yesterday: Has realized that he can stand unsupported for several seconds at a time. When he’s in the mood for it, he likes to show off this new skill. Will still not be bothered with holding anyone’s hands to practice-walk.
• Has emerged over the past few months, since that first fateful reprimand, as a Pleaser. Further analysis of this Employee Type to come, but I well know that one of my employees was born a Button-Pusher, and I find the Pleaser type, the one who seems more interested in abiding by The Manager’s rules rather than subverting authority, both novel and fascinating. And a tiny bit astonishing. While we value compliance at The Lo.Co., I do wonder if N.Lo will have to attend a few workshops on Questioning Authority, further along into his career. For balance’s sake.
• Is suddenly more expressive. Still thinks the Can you say *blank?* question is the funniest joke ever, and rarely attempts to say the word. But reacts with sounds such as “Ohhh,” for interesting things newly discovered, and “Mmmm,” with an air of deep satisfaction when it’s food he likes.
• And speaking of food, he’s getting picky. I figured it would happen sooner or later—surely nutritious fare wouldn’t appeal forever. In fact, Management discovered N.Lo in his cubicle recently, poring over the early works of his predecessor on The Squish Test. No food, even if a prior favorite, escapes reexamination by our new Quality Control expert. Occasionally, he will still try the foods that fail the all-important test, but much more often those items are tossed to the Canine Staff.

N.Lo had no hesitations in helping himself to his coworker’s meal while visiting the Regional Manager’s Office this weekend. Uncharacteristically, K.Lo didn’t seem to mind.

There are certain behaviors in our office that are clear violations of the Employee Code of Conduct (ECC). But there happens to be a loophole to these violations, that luckily the employees have not caught onto yet: the belly-laugh. Whenever I hear that belly laugh from an employee, much less two employees, I pretty much let the violation go. No admonitions, no punishments. As long as no one's about to lose an eye.

So if K.Lo just *happens* to be tossing the leftover rice from Chinese take-out up into the air, to the great amusement of both herself and her coworker, I *might* keep on washing dishes, pretending I see and hear nothing, while spying out of the corner of my eye. I'm weak as a Manager, I realize, but I just can’t help myself.

And yes, I do realize Housekeeping might be muttering to themselves while cleaning up the cafeteria later in the evening... But I suspect they'll live.

I think N.Lo’s taste buds might be broken. The new hire seems to be taking part in the company’s Equal Opportunity Eating (EOE) Program, for when eating, he does not discriminate. Against anything.

While dining in the company cafeteria, N.Lo will ingest any food that his four teeth can conquer, without a flinch. Which, in many ways, is fantastic! What Kitchen Staff worker doesn’t enjoy an easy-to-please employee. We can only hope this trend will continue far into his career. However, it is at times downright arresting to watch the employee carry out the EOE Program. When it comes to his job duties in the cafeteria, N.Lo is a work horse, a machine. To date, he has shoveled in: crackers, cheese, bread, pizza crust, banana slices, blueberries, Gerber wagon wheels, pasta, pretty much all the fruit and vegetable purees available on the market. And, earlier this week while we hosted members of a Lo.Co. satellite office, a slice of lemon.

Including part of the rind.

Now that’s what we call dedication to a project!

Yesterday, while our company celebrated the holiday, K.Lo learned to eat corn one way...

Small Victory

MEMO

TO: All employees

FROM: The Kitchen Staff

RE: Friday Dinner Menu

Please be advised that together with the Kitchen Staff, The Manager and CEO have devised a new plan that will benefit the entire company.

1) The Kitchen Staff will have Friday nights off.

2) The Manager and CEO will either

a) pick up the tasty yet economical bucket of fried chicken offered on special by our company's grocer, or

b) order a pizza.

The company's Nutritional Consultants will likely not approve of this new plan, but we argue that the Kitchen Staff spends the rest of the work week preparing nutritious meals for our employees. Everyone needs a break from this routine. Besides, if you saw the shining look on The Manager's face when the CEO finally, after several long, pizza-less years of partnership, agreed to regular Pizza Fridays? You would say that it was a good business plan, too.

Pizza Fridays and Fried-day Chicken, here we come!

Sincerely,

The Kitchen Staff, now off the hook

1. Cheerios

Muffin-Tin Mania 2008


It has recently come to Management's attention that K.Lo might be a little "picky" when it comes to food. Though her diet is varied, she doesn't generally enjoy foods with sauces on them, or foods that are mixed together. Since The Manager happens to moonlight as the Condiment Queen, and most enjoys meals containing all the major food groups mixed up into a single dish, this dietary situation might be seen as "unfortunate." So, we're going to shake things up a bit at The Lo.Co., and try to make foods a bit more appealing and fun for the two-year set.

This week the Kitchen Staff will launch a new food campaign tailor-made for K.Lo: Muffin-Tin Mania 2008. Breakfast and snacks will be served periodically in a muffin tin, with the six small cups filled with various, unmixed foods. These foods will be simple, surefire winners, including Cheerios, cinnamon cereal, raisins, goldfish, popcorn, strawberries, cheese cubes, grapes, and pear, cucumber or apple slices.

Management approves of Muffin-Tin Mania, and hopes to see K.Lo respond to this innovative plan with some level of enthusiasm. Success with this project would mean an even more varied and healthful diet for our employee.



*A note to our readers: if you have suggestions based on successful cafeteria approaches at your own company, please share in the comments!

Highlights of our Work Week

*N.Lo as yet refuses to eat Cheerios, but (apparently) had his first taste of goldfishies at our Thursday Park Conference. The Manager brought a bag to share with the small employees, and later this bag spilled near N.Lo's feet. By the time I discovered the spill, N.Lo, looking quite pleased with his good fortune, had orange crumbs on his face and work uniform.

*K.Lo is developing those all-important problem solving skills, moving chairs around the cafeteria in order to reach items that are normally out of her reach. An all-company alert regarding off-limit company supplies to follow.

*The Kitchen Staff would like to advise that N.Lo currently enjoys blowing raspberries while dining in the cafeteria, and it would be best to wear your waterproof uniform jackets and headgear while feeding him.

*K.Lo has been promoted to The Manager's Assistant for N.Lo's diaper changes. Upon request, she brings clean diapers to The Manager, deposits the dirty diaper into the diaper pail, and delivers N.Lo's dirty uniforms to the Laundry Fairy. Our entire company is proud of her enthusiastic efforts to keep our company running smoothly.

*N.Lo has been upgraded to the rolling office chair, banned in many companies nationwide, but enjoyed immensely by The Lo. Co.'s new hires.

*The Laundry Fairy would like to note that the balance of dirty laundry has shifted within our company. N.Lo previously held the title of Highest Laundry Contributer for his skilled geyser impressions, but has now passed that torched to K.Lo and her training in the Employee Rest Room. While K.Lo has made many positive strides in her training, we all know that accidents in the workplace are inevitable. K.Lo would like to submit that N.Lo remains a High Laundry Contributer with all the food he eats and the resulting dirty bibs. When approached for comment on this point, the Laundry Fairy replied, "Fair enough."

When serving up meals in the cafeteria, where the desired results are that the employee actually eats said meal, the Kitchen Staff has learned it is best to employ one of the following methods.

1) Place food on table and walk away. Do not, unless the employee is in a super-good mood, offer choices, even if it's only two. The employee tends to have her own ideas about what would be a good thing to eat, and they usually do not correspond to the proper shift. For example, K.Lo believes that employees should eat cookies for breakfast and lollipops for dinner. So naive, young employees. The proper response to this outlandish suggestion is, by the way, "When you go off to college, you may have have cookies for breakfast and lollipops for dinner. Until then, while you're still employed at my company..."

Offering choices can be useful if it is an extremely simple one, proposed with all cabinet and refrigerator doors completely closed, so the employee's eyes and hands and whims do not wander. Cheese goldfish or pretzel goldfish is one such example.

2) Bring said food to your next company picnic. When eating away from the office (with no other options on hand), any food contained in that picnic basket suddenly seems magical and delicious. K.Lo never ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at home, viewing both the peanut butter and jelly as bread contaminants. But served out of doors and on a company excursion, the sandwich was suddenly a fantastic treat.

3) Present the employee a plate with very little or nothing on it. Then, sit down with your plate, filled to the brim with delicious, nutritious foods that the employee would otherwise not touch with a ten-foot pole, such as green beans, potato salad, and pork chops. Begin eating without meal-related comment, except the occasional food name-drop: "Boy, these green beans sure are tasty!" Continue conversation with the staff. The employee will, even if it is against everything they stand for, inevitably take the bait. First she will peer over at your plate, checking out the goods. Then she will point at your plate and mutter a little bit, looking back at her own, sadly empty plate.
Ultimately, the request: "I want some... green beans!"
To which you will respond, "You want green beans? Some of my green beans? I don't know..."
And the employee will say, "I want green beans!"
And you will ask, "What do you say?"
The employee: "Say please!"
With flourish, you place a few green beans on her plate.
"Thank you!" says the employee, smiling widely and digging in.
And, success! The employee eats actual food for dinner, food that happens to be nutritious, and she asked for it politely. The whole company wins!

*Bonus Trick of the Trade: Popsicles can be one such food item that the employee brazenly requests at all hours of the work day. Trump her craftiness by buying a set of popsicle molds and filling them with fruit juice. Our company enjoys limeade for popsicles. The Kitchen Staff can not only offer these popsicles in good conscience at any time, but suggest that the employee is receiving a special treat, and coming out on top in her battle with Management.

*New K.Lo-isms
When approaching church, department store, and other large buildings: "Ooooo, castle!"
Referring to the belt The Manager wears with pants: "The Manager's seat belt!"
When assisting N.Lo: "Where's the burp cloth? I need the burp cloth!"
Clocking into the Morning Shift: "I need breakfast!"

*N.Lo's biggest complaint the in the cafeteria these days is Managerial speed when administering solid food. The spoon simply cannot travel fast enough from the food container to his mouth. The Manager wonders if he'd perhaps like a straw to eat the pears? Further, N.Lo is proving himself to be a fantastic eater, plowing through the entire contents of Stage 2 fruits and vegetables. This employee may eat the company out of business!

*Yesterday, Management allowed K.Lo to retrieve a wayward office supply from the grounds independently. The Manager wish to extend accolades to K.Lo, who handled the excursion with utmost decorum and efficiency.

*A big day for our office: On a recent company excursion to Costco, N.Lo sat in the cart for the first time, rather than his infant carrier.

*Best quote found this week from Managerial Training Materials: "Your job is to keep your [employees] from killing their little fool selves. It'll get better."

Please excuse my absence until Wednesday, April 9, while our office is Under Construction. If you have any questions, problems, or other requests for assistance, I will be in the Cafeteria, painting the walls yellow.