Policies

• For select art projects, particularly those created at The Outsourcer, the Manager has procured a designated filing box. The filing box will be given to the employee upon transfer from our company, i.e. 15+ years from now. The Manager is big on nifty storage.
• Toys will no longer be stored overnight in the Conference Room. A limited toy selection will be allowed each work day for use in the Conference Room, i.e. the Weebles, or the racecars, or the puzzles. Each night they will be returned to each employee’s respective cubicle. The Manager is also big on reducing clutter, not to mention equal use of all office supplies.

Rumor Mill

• Whispers have been recently heard throughout the company: Does our newest hire really know how to walk, but doesn’t want the rest of the staff to know? We’ve only seen him take a few steps here and there in the past several months, mostly he crawls. And because he prefers not to have his hands touched/manipulated, our training on this particular skill can only go so far. We’re fine with the not-walking, as Management’s job will only become more challenging when he is fully mobile. However, it is interesting that while the rest of us were preoccupied with various activities this evening, the CEO noticed out of the corner of his eye the following incident. N.Lo tossed a book a few feet away, hopped down from his stool, walked right over, bent down, picked up the book, stood up, and walked back over to the stool. !!! Also interesting that the employee strongly prefers to be picked up and carried places quite often throughout the workday, loudly voicing his dissatisfaction if the request is denied. Which leads Management to ponder whether the job actually will be more challenging, or not, when he does decide to walk. Silent Killer, indeed.

Attention Required

• As previously noted, N.Lo protests (as he should) when tormented by his coworker. However, it is is coming to Management’s attention that his own actions will need to be curbed soon enough. On more than one recent occasion, N.Lo has been spotted physically pulling K.Lo from the spot he wishes to be and pushing her to the side. (Pretty big moves for someone who allegedly can’t walk!) Such as out of a chair, of from her perch on a stool. K.Lo, stunned so far, has just let it happen. While Management wishes each employee to be able to defend him or herself, and/or to pursue his/her goals, we also do not wish to see any unnecessary physical conflicts and escalations arise as the employees continue to grow. Scheduled workshops in Conflict Resolution will be forthcoming.

The Fairy Princess Castle is gathering dust. K.Lo is fully aware of the incentive program at stake, and I’m quite confident that she will earn her reward eventually, like before Kindergarten, so I don’t really care. Except that I really, really do.

I’m afraid she’s going to end up in therapy for real by the time all is said and done. Or else I’m going to be in therapy. I have tried to be as patient as possible, as kind as possible, about the issue. I’ve dutifully ignored the problem for weeks, months at a stretch, figuring that she would come around eventually. Especially if it was evident that I didn’t care one way or the other. I guess I’m not very good at pretending.

I’ve bought a few funny, friendly books. We have Elmo’s Potty Time so drilled into our brains that I hum the score in my sleep. We get the concept, people, we get it all too well.

I’ve also tried, on more than one occasion, calling K.Lo into my office and just asking her (in the most non-threatening way imaginable) what is the problem—because I fully expect a two-year employee to come up with a viable answer? I realize it’s a long-shot. But I had to try.

We’ve tried varying degrees of “pressy,” and hand-holding.

I have *almost,* but not quite, gotten mean. Although if denying permission to poop in her panties is mean, then maybe I’m there.

In response to various training approaches, I have gotten everything from long periods of sitting on the potty with no action, high-drama moments of screaming and rolling around on the floor (her, not me), and waiting until 6AM to mess her night-time Pull-Up. All in this past week. See? Therapy. We are on the fast-track.

I’m trying too hard at this point. I’m not keeping my cards close enough to my chest. I get that.

But dammit, WHY CAN’T SHE POOP ON THE POTTY LIKE A NORMAL CHILD. WHAT IS THE BIG. FREAKING. DEAL?!

I will be accepting all donations for future psychiatry bills, thank you in advance for your patronage.

MEMO

TO: N.Lo

FROM: K.Lo, as relayed to The Manager

RE: Stolen office supplies

N.Lo!

[Outraged cry.]

That’s MY GRAHAM CRACKER!

Sincerely,

K.Lo

Character Builders

A Manager cannot, unfortunately, bank on her employees getting along at any point within the span of their careers, no matter how much she pushes this agenda. She can, however, predict with a fair amount of certainty that having a coworker will build each employee's character. This topic of discussion came into play a fair amount before The Lo. Co. brought N.Lo on board. Yet, faced with the reality of such "character-building," The Manager now wonders just whose character is being built.

N.Lo adheres pretty strictly to his work schedule, and it has recently come to my attention that if not for K.Lo pestering N.Lo in multiple ways (including but not limited to hugging, kissing, and forced "dance" lessons that are all a *tad* overbearing), N.Lo might have very few complaints throughout the Day Shift. In fact, it has become N.Lo's habit of late to complain a little bit automatically if his coworker approaches his work station for any reason, even a friendly one. Management hopes this stage is passing and brief.

I found this realization a little vexing until the CEO commented that K.Lo, however she manages to undermine N.Lo's productivity, will "toughen him up." I had either totally forgotten this company goal, or else had a different idea of how the company goal would show itself in reality. So, while it annoys me in the moment whenever K.Lo dispels N.Lo's groove, it's clear that I need to set my sights further, toward the end goal: adaptable employees. Employees who can roll with the punches, so to speak.

And I, too, need to get with the program. Toughen up. Realize that my complaints stem, at least in part, from a heavier workload, when mediating a few extra employee conflicts was clearly outlined in the job description.

After several long, at times combative, most often intense discussions re: Nighttime Protocol, Management and K.Lo, a.k.a. The Employee, have outlined the following Resolution: