PROGRESS REPORT
Last night, N.Lo required assistance with his work on the Night Shift, somehow getting his arm stuck between the bars of his cubicle. I dislodged the arm, patted his back, and helped him back to sleep. K.Lo, on the other hand, was mortally offended at her coworker's request for assistance, and proceeded to pitch a dead-of-the-night fit, which proceeded as follows:
K.Lo: [Incoherent screams, thrashing.]
The Manager: K.Lo, you need to go back to sleep. The Manager needs to sleep, K.Lo needs to sleep. The whole company needs to sleep so that we will all feel good in the morning.
K.Lo: Why not! Why not!
[She is saying "why not" because The Manager, in a recent moment of poor strategy asked the employee "Why not?" when she refused to go on Afternoon Break. Dumb, pitiful sap of a Manager.]
The Manager: I don't know why not. You tell me!
K.Lo [completely whining]: Why not...
The Manager [beginning to see that this conversation is more than ridiculous, cuts to the chase]: Are you scared? What's scaring you?
K.Lo: N.Lo scared... [Translation: N.Lo is scaring and/or bothering me.]
The Manager: Do you want N.Lo to leave?
K.Lo [pitifully]: N.Lo leave...
And there went my primal scream. Perhaps you heard me in the still of the night, all the way from my office to yours?
Maybe I shouldn't have asked the question; probably I shouldn't have. But the disgruntling truth of the matter is that the question does beg examination by the Managerial Staff: Is yet another corporate restructure in order?
MEMO
To: K.Lo
CC: The Manager, CEO, N.Lo
From: The Manager
Re: Workspace Design
As previously noted, we have been experiencing productivity issues on the Night Shift with problems specific to two-year employees. Overactive imaginations, nightmares, an increased level of awareness. The dreaded, alien-eye-reflecting television has been removed, but design flaws with our Night Shift workspace remain.
Today, The Manager did some imagining on your [K.Lo's] behalf. Waking up in the middle of the night to change position, give one's Work Buddy Doll a tighter hug, and try to get back to sleep, what would a two-year employee see? What things might distract said employee from getting back to work.
I did some shuffling, moved around the furniture so what you see now will be plain things. No creepy stares from the stuffed friends that are so friendly during the day. No big box of toys throwing all sorts of long shadows on the walls. N.Lo's crib was lowered, the bumper removed, so his space is less busy to look at, and the mysterious boxes underneath are now covered, out of sight. The curtains were raised, most of their busy patterns (hand-painted by The Manager prior to K.Lo's Date of Hire) now hidden. Lastly, the bedding was flipped around, leaving the plain side up.
Management realizes these changes in and of themselves will take getting used to; however, we encourage you to, as usual, try your best while working on the Night Shift and for heaven's sake, get some sleep.
So, it wasn't really the airplanes, this time, that caused K.Lo's recent setback on the Night Shift. After two disgraceful nights of work, and a company-wide outbreak of that formidable disease, LackOfSleep, Management was at its wit's end--mainly because we had made such great strides in recent weeks. The very idea of going back to night after night of chaos, and day after day of company-wide surliness sent The Manager into a panic. Last night, the CEO simply asked K.Lo what was bothering her, asked her to show him, and she walked over to the TV, said, "Scared."
The TV. Apparently the screen reflects the green bug nightlight, and ends up looking like a big scary eye. It would freak out anyone, much less a two-year employee. It's not a new thing, the scary green eye, but now that K.Lo's aware, she can't be expected to block it out. The TV was turned around for the night, and today it was moved Away. Management feels this restructure will aid in heightened productivity on the Night Shift.
We will classify this issue as Solved. For now.
Attention all employees, namely K.Lo,
Last night's performance on the Night Shift, what a backslide! Taking two hours to clock in, throwing tantrums, freaking out over the workload--which let's face it, is very light. All you have to do is sleep, my dear employee. That's it. That's all we ask.
Let's just hope this isn't a new (old) trend.
Sincerely,
Your Manager.
Dear N.Lo,
As stated in your New Employees Training Manual, page 38, section 15, all breaks are to be taken on your back. The Manager could be fired for your unruly conduct! Even if your breaks are four hours long on your belly...
Four hours?!
Maybe we can compromise. Please see me in my office once you are done breaking the rules.
Sincerely,
The Manager
Night Shift Progress Report: Our offices procured the white noise machine on Friday, facilitating an official merge of Night Shift workspaces. N.Lo now works at the desk next to K.Lo's, with the barrier on his desk partially removed so they can wave to each other while working.
I am tentatively pleased to report that work productivity since the merger has been remarkably high. Both employees have stayed at their desks, working more or less for the entire shift, and requesting little or no supervision. The CEO and I are most proud of our employees, particularly K.Lo, for this accomplishment, and can only hope, wish, dream, and pray that productivity will continue to be so high in the nights to come. Until this point, The Lo. Co. has experienced only short bouts of consistent Night Shift productivity, only to have this happy little bubble burst.
Attention all employees,
You may have thought the clocks were broken this morning when you clocked in after the night shift. But astonishingly, they were not. Note that N.Lo clocked in at 7 AM, completing 11 full hours on the night shift, and K.Lo clocked in even later at 7:45 AM, also completing her shift with no interruptions.
Team, it's a job well done!
Sincerely,
Your Manager
It's been a long week here at Lo. Co., and I'd like to wrap up the week on a positive note by recognizing the following employees for jobs well done:
After several long, at times combative, most often intense discussions re: Nighttime Protocol, Management and K.Lo, a.k.a. The Employee, have outlined the following Resolution:
Attention all employees,
Happy Friday! TGITDBYDISHFTW! (That is, Thank God it's the Day Your Daddy is Home for the Weekend.) Join us in the backyard for our weekly celebration, this week honoring the following:
- K.Lo spending 3 consecutive and entire nights sleeping in her own room.
- N.Lo, after a whole week, finally pooping.
Watered-down white grape juice will be the beverage of choice, and we will of course be joined by our Very Special Guests, Bender and Bailey. See you out by the sandbox, don't be late.
Night life here at the plant can be quite noisy, making it difficult for The Manager to get any sleep. It's the hum of the factory at work. On my left is dear J.Lo, who snores, has always snored, and I should be used to it by now, but for the life of me I can't Mind Over Matter to tune it all out. For a long while, I slept with a pillow over my head, which actually worked quite well, but one cannot really sleep with a pillow over her head when a New Guy is under her employ, needing instead to listen out for questions, problems, and other requests for managerial assistance. Which leads me to my left-hand side, where lies a little baby, peacefully grunting, gasping, and snorting in his blissful baby world. New Guy, granted, has an impressive skill set for as new as he is to his job, sleeping and eating like a champ. But he is totally That Guy, the one who has to whistle or hum under his breath while working. All. Night. Long. It's a good thing he's so cute... and actually, that goes for the both of them.
K.Lo hates:
sleep
the vacuum cleaner
But apparently one (the vacuum cleaner) can beget the other (sleep). For as difficult as the Bug is to get down for a nap or bedtime? Lo and behold, I bring out the vacuum cleaner today and she runs screaming down the hall to her bedroom, which makes me laugh because I'm totally mean. And by the time I've vacuumed my way back there to take care of her room and check her status, she's curled up in her bed with her doll and blanket, completely out. I'll have to vacuum in there later, but in the meantime--?! Although maybe I'm onto something: clean floors and a sleeping child. It could work.

