MEMO

TO: N.Lo
CC: K.Lo
FROM: The Manager
RE: Unauthorized Schedule Change

Please be advised that at the end of a long work week, when the CEO offers to supervise on the Morning Shift, allowing The Manager extended work on the Night Shift, it is not advisable to change your own schedule. If, on every other day of the work year, you clock out of the Night Shift between 6 and 7 AM, you should certainly do the same while the CEO is on special duty. Working late on the Night Shift until 8:30 AM? Not acceptable. Leaving the CEO with just one charming employee to supervise in The Manager's absence? Ironic, yes. But funny, no. And then to wake up in the best mood of your entire career, not even desiring an immediate trip to the cafeteria after a 13-hour shift! It's a disgrace.

I expect a better performance out of all my employees the next time, with your usual early appearance onto the Day Shift, and at least one or two Employee Code of Conduct violations.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Your Manager.

*One member of the Canine Staff looks like this:

Last night, N.Lo required assistance with his work on the Night Shift, somehow getting his arm stuck between the bars of his cubicle. I dislodged the arm, patted his back, and helped him back to sleep. K.Lo, on the other hand, was mortally offended at her coworker's request for assistance, and proceeded to pitch a dead-of-the-night fit, which proceeded as follows:

K.Lo: [Incoherent screams, thrashing.]

The Manager: K.Lo, you need to go back to sleep. The Manager needs to sleep, K.Lo needs to sleep. The whole company needs to sleep so that we will all feel good in the morning.

K.Lo: Why not! Why not!

[She is saying "why not" because The Manager, in a recent moment of poor strategy asked the employee "Why not?" when she refused to go on Afternoon Break. Dumb, pitiful sap of a Manager.]

The Manager: I don't know why not. You tell me!

K.Lo [completely whining]: Why not...

The Manager [beginning to see that this conversation is more than ridiculous, cuts to the chase]: Are you scared? What's scaring you?

K.Lo: N.Lo scared... [Translation: N.Lo is scaring and/or bothering me.]

The Manager: Do you want N.Lo to leave?

K.Lo [pitifully]: N.Lo leave...

And there went my primal scream. Perhaps you heard me in the still of the night, all the way from my office to yours?

Maybe I shouldn't have asked the question; probably I shouldn't have. But the disgruntling truth of the matter is that the question does beg examination by the Managerial Staff: Is yet another corporate restructure in order?

MEMO

To: K.Lo
CC: The Manager, CEO, N.Lo
From: The Manager
Re: Workspace Design

As previously noted, we have been experiencing productivity issues on the Night Shift with problems specific to two-year employees. Overactive imaginations, nightmares, an increased level of awareness. The dreaded, alien-eye-reflecting television has been removed, but design flaws with our Night Shift workspace remain.

Today, The Manager did some imagining on your [K.Lo's] behalf. Waking up in the middle of the night to change position, give one's Work Buddy Doll a tighter hug, and try to get back to sleep, what would a two-year employee see? What things might distract said employee from getting back to work.

I did some shuffling, moved around the furniture so what you see now will be plain things. No creepy stares from the stuffed friends that are so friendly during the day. No big box of toys throwing all sorts of long shadows on the walls. N.Lo's crib was lowered, the bumper removed, so his space is less busy to look at, and the mysterious boxes underneath are now covered, out of sight. The curtains were raised, most of their busy patterns (hand-painted by The Manager prior to K.Lo's Date of Hire) now hidden. Lastly, the bedding was flipped around, leaving the plain side up.

Management realizes these changes in and of themselves will take getting used to; however, we encourage you to, as usual, try your best while working on the Night Shift and for heaven's sake, get some sleep.

So, it wasn't really the airplanes, this time, that caused K.Lo's recent setback on the Night Shift. After two disgraceful nights of work, and a company-wide outbreak of that formidable disease, LackOfSleep, Management was at its wit's end--mainly because we had made such great strides in recent weeks. The very idea of going back to night after night of chaos, and day after day of company-wide surliness sent The Manager into a panic. Last night, the CEO simply asked K.Lo what was bothering her, asked her to show him, and she walked over to the TV, said, "Scared."

The TV. Apparently the screen reflects the green bug nightlight, and ends up looking like a big scary eye. It would freak out anyone, much less a two-year employee. It's not a new thing, the scary green eye, but now that K.Lo's aware, she can't be expected to block it out. The TV was turned around for the night, and today it was moved Away. Management feels this restructure will aid in heightened productivity on the Night Shift.

We will classify this issue as Solved. For now.

Attention all employees, namely K.Lo,


Last night's performance on the Night Shift, what a backslide! Taking two hours to clock in, throwing tantrums, freaking out over the workload--which let's face it, is very light. All you have to do is sleep, my dear employee. That's it. That's all we ask.

Let's just hope this isn't a new (old) trend.

Sincerely,
Your Manager.

K.Lo's two-day visit to the Regional Manager's office was a great success, and we are pleased to report that all parties benefited enormously after a few days away from the usual office scene. Here are a few notes from K.Lo's retreat:

*K.Lo attended several workshops, in which she learned such vitals skills as baking cookies and Swiffer vacuuming the floor. She also assisted the Regional Manager with baking The Manager an incredibly tasty banana birthday cake.

*Only one major employee meltdown was reported to The Manager, involving tiredness, hunger, and a coveted bag of Cheetos. Anyone might have lost it, given the same set of circumstances.

*K.Lo's favorite Work Buddy Doll, after months of near-nakedness (at K.Lo's insistence), now wears half a uniform, in the form of a shirt.

*Several new/used uniform pieces were acquired for K.Lo, for which The Manager is very grateful.

*K.Lo spoke over the phone to a colleague who works for a related company; they discussed work schedules and managerial demands.

*Performances on both the Night Shift and Afternoon Breaks were reported as relatively productive.

*While watching the training video called "Annie" prior to the Night Shift (with the intention that it would calm her down), K.Lo proclaimed that the somersaults performed in one of the opening numbers "looked like fun!" She then bounced up from her desk to give it a try. Training on this particular video was promptly cut short.

*New phrases spoken while on retreat: "You know what?" "I'm happy! I'm vacuuming!" and "The Manager will be right back."

Recently, a colleague and I waxed theoretical on possible sources of Night Shift stress for two-year employees. In such a short time with the company, what would cause Night Shift interruptions characterized by screaming in bloody terror? K.Lo hasn't witnessed anything particularly horrifying in the course of her career, no company firings, no gory motivational training videos. She does sometimes jump up from her desk and run skittishly at the sound a bus or a garbage truck, or outbursts from The Canine Staff, so maybe she dreams of these.

Ironically, when Working Overtime, one cannot expect a high level of productivity. In fact, managers would do better to expect the opposite, as so much time and energy is put into training just one employee, there is little time and energy left over for anything else. The Housekeeping Staff, for instance, cops an attitude and goes on break until the overtime stretch is completed. The Kitchen Staff, too, is often sighted kicking back, filing nails and flipping through magazines until it's too late to plan or make a dinner; then they call and order take out. It's completely audacious, but employees will take advantage of The Manager's preoccupation.

Although Overtime has its purpose, and although it is too hectic a time at the company to expect operations to run smoothly, it is still disheartening to see employee progress backslide. Of course, The New Guy cannot be expected to work well on The Night Shift during Overtime. It would be lovely, though, if K.Lo would. On the other hand, it also makes logical sense that while The Manager is attending so intensively to N.Lo, K.Lo might generally feel neglected. She might scream, whine, and dance The Unhappy Dance whenever The Manager steps two feet away, much less out of the room. She might look panicked at regular intervals, reach out her arms, and say, "Up up up up up up up up up?" approximately 1,200 times. Her face might turn pink, her hair might rat up, and she might just be absolutely pitiful.

She might, with this steady fire of discontent, light the fuse of impatience that will burn its way up to The Manager and eventually explode.

It's also very possible that K.Lo is teething, and/or that her diapers are bothering her, or maybe she's just in a bad mood. Sometimes a manager will never know exactly what is bothering her employee. Regardless of the "why" behind whatever she is going through, it is difficult to manage with patience, particularly during overtime. And frustrating that the problem might be lessened or nonexistent if overtime weren't occurring at all.

The Manager just needs to remember (once again!), This too shall pass.

Night Shift Progress Report: Our offices procured the white noise machine on Friday, facilitating an official merge of Night Shift workspaces. N.Lo now works at the desk next to K.Lo's, with the barrier on his desk partially removed so they can wave to each other while working.

I am tentatively pleased to report that work productivity since the merger has been remarkably high. Both employees have stayed at their desks, working more or less for the entire shift, and requesting little or no supervision. The CEO and I are most proud of our employees, particularly K.Lo, for this accomplishment, and can only hope, wish, dream, and pray that productivity will continue to be so high in the nights to come. Until this point, The Lo. Co. has experienced only short bouts of consistent Night Shift productivity, only to have this happy little bubble burst.

Attention all employees,

You may have thought the clocks were broken this morning when you clocked in after the night shift. But astonishingly, they were not. Note that N.Lo clocked in at 7 AM, completing 11 full hours on the night shift, and K.Lo clocked in even later at 7:45 AM, also completing her shift with no interruptions.

Team, it's a job well done!

Sincerely,
Your Manager

How can I complain about the regularly abysmal performance of a certain employee on the night shift, when on the morning shift, said employee:

asks for a tissue
wipes her nose with said tissue,
throws away the tissue without being prompted, and
closes the lid to the trash can.

In not even two years with the company!

K.Lo and N.Lo have both put in requests for sick time, which the managerial staff feels slightly miffed over, as it is the end of the year, i.e. our time to relax and rest a bit during the holiday season. At times, the staff does seem unreasonably demanding. Although, may I also note that the CEO isn't feeling up to par, either, which as a cosmic rule just happens when he takes time off from The Other Job. Ahem.

For now, we made it through. The morning looks like this. Let another workday begin.

Night life here at the plant can be quite noisy, making it difficult for The Manager to get any sleep. It's the hum of the factory at work. On my left is dear J.Lo, who snores, has always snored, and I should be used to it by now, but for the life of me I can't Mind Over Matter to tune it all out. For a long while, I slept with a pillow over my head, which actually worked quite well, but one cannot really sleep with a pillow over her head when a New Guy is under her employ, needing instead to listen out for questions, problems, and other requests for managerial assistance. Which leads me to my left-hand side, where lies a little baby, peacefully grunting, gasping, and snorting in his blissful baby world. New Guy, granted, has an impressive skill set for as new as he is to his job, sleeping and eating like a champ. But he is totally That Guy, the one who has to whistle or hum under his breath while working. All. Night. Long. It's a good thing he's so cute... and actually, that goes for the both of them.